Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
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[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
[5:45 AM]
Daughter: “Daddy can you make me breakfast?”Me: “Can you not reach your Halloween candy?”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
If I was a ghost, pottery wouldn’t be the first thing I do.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
shout out to fantasy authors who give all their characters weird names except for, like, two who just have normal-ass names
it owns extremely to see The Eternal Zablaxas and Hellcleaver the Wicked turn to the protagonist and say “what do YOU think we should do, Dave?”
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?