Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
I hate camping with my English teacher friend because he insists we only use the perfect tents.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Travel bloggers during quarantine
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.