friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
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“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
my name if I was in the mob
Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
[High school reunion]
Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”
Me: “You told me to never change.”
I self medicate, therefore you live.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
cop: show me your hands
dahmer: *opens fridge*
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
If you tell my dog he’s getting a treat and forget, he will stalk you until you remember. We came in an hour ago and I just figured out why he’s been following me around and staring at me like I’m made of bacon.
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken