me the second it drops below 70 degrees
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Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
[first day as a waiter]
me: do you have any questions
customer: *pointing at menu* how is this prepared
me: we laminate sheets of paper listing the food choices
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time
HER: you mean ‘ravages’?
ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me
My vacuum could suck up a bathroom rug & a couple of Pekinese, then is like, “Now you’ve gone too far” with a piece of thread.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
WHY?!
SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Just as the prophecy foretold
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Thank god it‘s friday. Only 40 more years of working.