VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
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Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
[Opportunity knocks]
Me: I’m not answering. You should’ve sent a text first.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Fruit and urinal give a bad name to cakes everywhere.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
My daughter made me out to be the villain because I wasn’t going to let her eat a stick of butter for breakfast. Like I was saving it just for me
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Recent studies link bacon to cancer.
“Ya, don’t eat bacon, you’ll get so much cancer”, said one pink scientist.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
I’ve dated a depressed lawyer and a manic musician, but now I’m dating an emotionally stable psychic. He’s wonderful. A happy medium.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.
2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.