Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
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A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[phobia support group]
host: i see we have someone new tonight. everyone say hi and give a big wave to our new member.
me: [tearing up]
host: it’s ok, what phobia brings you in today?
me: tsunamis
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[petting friend’s new guidedog]
so how did you get here?
“he brought me”
wow
[later in bed w/ wife]
did you know dave’s dog can drive a car?
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Just got a haircut.
Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and
Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?
Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
Enter Sandman is my favourite song about why I don’t have sex on the beach.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
*searches through desk for granola bar, can’t find it*
OK WHO STOLE MY *remembers eating granola bar yesterday* HEART? ALL OF YOU, THAT’S WHO.
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.