For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
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Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
The best thing about coming from a big family is being able to talk louder than normal people.
Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
No need to drive me crazy. I can walk from here.
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
I don’t care what anybody says, my six hours of Black Friday shopping saved me at least $7.50.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice