My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
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(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
It’s hard to think about mama johns staying home with all the children johns while papa johns are away at pizza wars.
[answers doorbell]
me: omg
mark zuckerberg: [swinging nunchucks in a mildly threatening way] what u got against notifications, bruh
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
sister in law asked me to get yellow onion from the store. lady it’s called a lemon
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.