We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
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Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
No need to rev your engine, I’m not impressed by your car unless it’s a food truck
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I jokingly took credit for the inside Christmas decorations.
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
[Trump speaking at rally]
I love this country. I love America. I love singing the *looks at smudged writing on hand* Strawbangled Panther
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
My kid’s kindergarten e-learning class is being very rude during show and tell. We worked very hard to put together this serial killer stats presentation.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same