Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
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Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
After weeks of progress, I suddenly stopped losing weight. I hit a wall.
*puts ice pack on hand* OK, so I was a little upset.
My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
🙀🙀🙀😹
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
[If my dog could talk]
DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
[as i’m getting buried alive by a serial killer] wait stop who’s gonna feed my tamagotchis