*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
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[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
My mom texted me asking what “DTF” meant and I told her “Dedicated To Family”…I seriously can’t wait for her to use it.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
I always have a cheap bottle of wine in the house in case any family visit.
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
*possum hospital
Nurse: Get the crash cart?!
Doctor: Give it a minute
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?