A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
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I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Blimey, it must be getting cold, just seen the postman in trousers.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.
Me: Have you showered & brushed your teeth?
16: Stop bullying me.
I met my wife at a singles night
I was surprised as I thought she was at home with the kids
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.