There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
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*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
Me: I’m Gen-X
Niece: *giggling* oh so you’re in the X-Men now
Me: No, it means I…
Niece: *full laughter* Captain Sweater Vest
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
Me: I’m PMSing and everyone bugs me.
Husband: You should do the Calm app.
Me: You should do the STFU app.
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
it is time once again