this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
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Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
a robot’s eyes change to red when they go evil because they are in love (with murder)
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.