People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
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5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
A coworker just asked me how I stay so thin so I responded “I don’t post pictures of my food online” and I think she believed me.
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
When I’m bored nobody texts me but as soon as I get busy as hell… BAM… still nobody texts me.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I