Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
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Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Practice good oral hygiene by wiping your mouth with toilet paper after talking shit
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
A big storm is coming & everyone’s buying bread, milk, and eggs. Apparently you battle bad weather with French Toast.
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
“Never let ‘em see you sweat” is my motto when I go to the gym
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?