I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
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dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Well, that didn’t work.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES WANT TO MEET YOU SO THEIR FELONIOUS BOYFRIENDS CAN STEAL YOUR I-PHONE
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
I have a divorce case where I’m seriously considering hiring community theater actors to come into court and read all the text messages for the record.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..
Therapist: is this true?
Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?