“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
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I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Ha ha, I love it when brands do sassy clapbacks to each other
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards