I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
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Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
bugs when you lift up a rock
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
They say the key to a fitness routine is having a workout buddy and that’s why I surround myself with lazy people
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
“Hey, watch your mouth!” I yell at the woman in this park that’s just letting her pet mouth run around all willy nilly.
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Oh no
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Young mom: My baby is 34 months
Me: Oh really I’m 407 months yeah I hope you like doing math you piece of shit
*trying to ask a girl on a date*
Me: hi, um [nervously wets lips] would you wanna go out sometime?
Her: was- was that a mop?