5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
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The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Wife: you are the wind beneath my wings
Me: [spraying air freshener] sorry
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
My son just turned an everything bagel into an everywhere bagel.
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
Why are Americans so obsessed with the British royal family? It’s like constantly checking your ex’s Instagram 245 years after the breakup.
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.