Sometimes you need to give someone a second chance, those are the times there are no stairs around to push them down
You Might Also Like
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Them: I don’t like you.
Me:
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
first date idea: unlock and switch phones with the other person for exactly 2 minutes and if no one is horrified then the date continues
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies