Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
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I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
Cats sleep 18 hours a day and only get up to murder.
I respect that.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
William Shakespeare never hugged or cuddled. Lovers called him the “No Holds Bard”.
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
Meat Cute
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Doctor: for the last time, you don’t have superpowers
Me: then how can I can feel a storm coming in my joints??
Doctor: ARTHRITIS IS NOT A SUPERPOWER
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
“what that mouth do?” complain
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.