This might sound like an off the wall question. But what do you think of parkour?
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That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.