[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Took the road less travelled after telling the wife that we didn’t need to stop and ask for directions.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.