Friend: I want my funeral to be a celebration of life and not sad or depressing.
Me: Screw that. I want people climbing onto my casket and asking God to take them too.
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Wedding planning is organized crime.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Red red wine… goes to my head yea yea. Makes forget oh yea. That i been textin you.
~If UB40 had wrote Red Wine in todays society. 🤷♀️😂
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Reporter: What can you tell us about the asteroid you recently discovered?
Astronomer: No, comet.
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
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