Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
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Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
POOR BOY FROM BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY: I need no sympathy.
ALSO THE POOR BOY: IM JUST A POOR BOY, NOBODY LOVES ME, MAMA, LIFE HAD JUST BEGUN, AND NOW IVE GONE AND THROWN IT ALL AWAY
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
AHHHHHHHH HONEY COME QUICK THERE’S A RAT IN THE SHOwer oh uh never mind, it’s just my hair in the drain
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
To someone this means ‘A new start’. To everyone else, it doesn’t.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
cat vs inanimate object
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint