I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
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Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
I am no longer impressed that Nicholas Cage managed to steal the Declaration of Independence.
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
“The Perfect Relationship”
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
Canadian: spell colour
American: no u spell color
Canadian: u
American: no u
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not