ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
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“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
🛁
ME: *gives single fried shrimp to a blackjack dealer* one gambling please
Tweet like you’ll never run for public office.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
[Mulder softly whispering “I want to” at every exhibit in the Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.]
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
-gestures to everything in the Garage-
Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!
Wife- YOU’RE a tool
Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.