For someone who hates the circus, I sure have dated a lot of clowns.
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My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
I had to call some kid’s mom last night to tell her he’s selling pot, and that it’s waaay overpriced.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Jupiter
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Barista: May I suggest a French vanilla caramel mocha? It pairs well with our bourbon maple bacon glazed donut.
Me: That many flavors would give my palate a nervous breakdown.
My husband texted me while I was at the store and asked me to pick up birthday candles for my own birthday, so guess who’s turning 33 instead of 38 this year because birthday candle numbers don’t lie
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.
There’s no “us” in nachos.
Pro tip: fake having telekinesis powers by throwing stuff at people as soon as they’re not looking
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
My favorite farside!!
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass