Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
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Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
The person ahead of me paid for my Starbucks at drive-thru, and I was so excited about it I drove off without my drink.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Freddy Kruger: I’ll get you in your sleep!
Me: Good luck with that.
(4am)
Freddy: *yawning* What the hell? Go to sleep already.
Me: Jokes on you. I’m only up to 4th grade on reliving my most embarrassing moments in life.
Freddy: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Never go to a combination dentist / proctologist…..
but if you do, get the dental work first.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?
Take me now, covid.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.