Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
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I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
They’re not wrong
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy