Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
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My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake