I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
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Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Me: I could barely fit our trash into that blue bin
Wife: that’s our neighbor’s new Smart Car
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Got a couple of real nice piles of dog shit on your lawn there. Sure would be a shame if something was to… you know, “happen” to them.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
SURGEON: *cutting open patient’s torso*
NURSE: sir, what are you doing?! this is a knee replacement!
SURGEON: there’s a Pokémon in there
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.