Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
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An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
ME: Sorry I made things weird in bed last night
WIFE: Ok, but you’re still wearing the Shrek mask.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.
“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.
#ParentingFacts
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Get off my horse you stupid moon
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.