Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
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I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
A good anvil is very expensive. It would be great if they fell out of the sky once in a while.
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Movies lied to me as a kid. Not once have I stumbled across a plot to steal nuclear launch codes
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Do my kids help me cook? No.
But do they like what I cook? Also no.
Ok, but do they at least come when I call them to eat? *deepest, longest sigh imaginable*