Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
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her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
Whenever a friends says “Join the gym with me” I say, “Go to church with my Mom for me”. Shuts ‘em up every time.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
That eye roll….
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
Nothing like waking up on a Friday and finding out it’s Tuesday
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
[Dracula before he got braces]
:F
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work