chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Ok I don’t get it. Kid Rock looks nothing like adult Rock
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Me (while pouring you tea from a kettle marked ‘POISON’): I apologise. My ‘NOT POISON’ kettle is dirty at the moment.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Him: I love you, you smart, gorgeous woman.
Me: *Picks bug off of him and eats it*
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
God: i’m sorry but the answer is no.
Butterfly: please?
God: I can’t do it.
Butterfly: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but a Toastfly is just too ridiculous.
Butterfly: ok fine : (
Jellyfish: he wouldn’t make me a Peanutbutterfish either.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Raspberry buy guitar
Raspberry take lessons
Raspberry answer ad
Raspberry show up at drummer’s house
Raspberry plug in
Raspberry Jam
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.