Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
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Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
No shit your baby is crying. You just announced her weight to a group of strangers.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
Do not steal food from the science building!
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Ghost costume 😂
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
If someone ever asks you for advice just reply with “Buy a penguin”. Imagine a scenario where that isn’t awesome.
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip