lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
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coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
kids tv show: where do you think pizza was invented?
my four year old: a pizza shop
me: *fills out her application to harvard*
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
The closest thing I’ve had to a personal trainer is the ice cream truck that drove past my house.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
The coolest Superhero would be The Inaudible Woman.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.