Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
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My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Top Gun is a Christmas movie.
There is no tree and no Santa, but they do kill a goose
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss