aren’t all napkins supposed to be sanitary
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Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
me: [trying to sound cool] I’m in a punk band
cute co-worker: that’s cool. What the band’s name?
me: [looking over desk for ideas] Inbox(29)
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
Today our 4yo insisted on a large bowl of Golden Grahams, banana, and milk for breakfast, so long story short, my breakfast was 99% of a large bowl of Golden Grahams, bananas and milk
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*