me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
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[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
(me to my doctor) if you don’t have anything nice to say you shouldn’t say anything at all
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
detective: when did this happen.
edgar allan poe: while i pondered weak and weary over many a quaint and curious volume of forgotten lore.
detective: [writing notes] pretentious dipshit…was…reading.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
If you’re over the age of 5, and are trying to be cute by saying: sorry as: sowee – I will kick you in your pwivates.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web