God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
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Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
the noise i just made
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Beards are a privilege, not a right
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM