Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
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[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
*watches a movie with you*
*loudly beeps during all the good parts*
We’ve replaced my roommate’s Sour Cream Pringles with a colony of wasps I’ve been antagonizing for a month. Let’s see if he notices.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Me: Ask me no questions and I’ll tell you no lies.
Minister: That’s not really appropriate for wedding vows.
For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
That de-escalated quickly
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.