Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
You Might Also Like
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
My son screamed “watch out dad” in the crosswalk bc of a blatantly obvious car 😭. I said thanks. He said, “i couldnt let my dad get squished bc i might not like my step dad”
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
The Olympic trampolining is too easy. The event should start with the contestant dragging the trampoline out of the garage while drinking and being nagged by their kids at a barbecue.
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water