[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
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Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
I’m doing the 30 day taco cleanse
me: you think i’m too obsessed with gardening?
friend: yeah we’re starting to grow concerned.
me: ooh how often do you water that.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Well, this certainly took a turn
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
[on a date]
*showing her pics of my pet lizards*
ME: “and I named this one Queen Elizardbeth”
HER: “I must have sex with you immediately”
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.