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*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
[meeting the parents]
Do you have one in blonde?
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
My whole life was a lie.
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined