If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
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When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.
Tony Hawk, age 6
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
sex work?? sure does. there’s over 7 billion of us.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
[beach]
Me: if a shark stops moving it will die
Wife: for the last time you can’t kill a shark with a stop sign
Me: it’s the law diane
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.