Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
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Best seat on the street 😍
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
In Canada alcoholics go to EhEh meetings.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
That kid looks like me. Somebody should warn him.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Being stuck at home for the last 3 months and waiting for FedEx today makes me understand why dogs go nuts when the mailman shows up.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there