I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
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Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud